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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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WARNING
 
This content is not appropriate for all audiences. Please do not read if offended by obscene language. Mitch Hedberg became an Aquinas favorite last year, and does not represent the views and opinions of the creator of this site.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger, just a guy who bugs the driver. ‘Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide...’

At the end of my letters, I like to write ‘P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.’

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type 101 words a minute, but it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, ‘Here's a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture of you is of when you were younger. ‘Here's a picture of me when I am older.’ ‘You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...’

My roommate says, ‘I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, ‘I'm gonna go shave too.’

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. ‘Look what I got, motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.’

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on’, yellow means ‘go ahead.’ And red means ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?’

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut...I don't need a receipt for the donut - I give you money and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music.’ As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work...

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I bought a parrot, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ so it died.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I played golf...I did not get a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was too busy mumbling, ‘There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.’

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said ‘Certainly.’ He said, ‘Do I need to dial 9?’ I said, ‘Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.’

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.’

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘what’ and turn my head slightly.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. People would say, ‘Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?’ I would say, ‘Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.’

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, ‘Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.’

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. ‘What time is it, Mitch?’ ‘Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.’ ‘Shit, I had to be somewhere...’

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, ‘It's cool, he's with me.’

My friend said to me ‘Man, this weather is trippy.’ I said to him, ‘No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy.’ Then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said ‘Please Try Again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong…or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.’

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I never joined the army because ‘at ease’ was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. ‘At ease’ was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, ‘Fuck it. Cut em up.’

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend said to me, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.’

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said, ‘How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?’ Then he said, ‘How many of you feel like animals?’ And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I like cinnamon rolls, that's why I wish they made a cinnamon roll incense, because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, ‘Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.’

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say ‘here comes that frog in a nervous manner.’ It's always optimistic. ‘Hey here comes that frog. All right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to.’ And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Dammit Otto, you are an alcoholic.’ ‘Dammit Otto, you have Lupus.’ One of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I tried walking into a Target, but I missed.

When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.’

I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.’

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says, ‘Hey Washington U, Did you go there?’ ‘Yeah! It was a Wednesday.’

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. ‘We can't ‘tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, ‘Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?’

I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.’

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I find that ducks’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

When it comes to racism, people say, ‘I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, or green.’ Aw, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people. Unless they’re suffocating. Then, help em.

I’m staying at a hotel right now, there’s no 13th floor because of superstition. But come on man, the people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. If you jump out of the 14th floor hoping to kill yourself, you will die earlier.

13 is an unlucky number. If 13’s unlucky, then so should the letter B be, cuz B looks like a scrunched-together 13. ‘Hello, what is your name?’ ‘Bob.’ ‘Get the hell away!’

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said, ‘You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.’ Damn gravity. Got me again. You don’t know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.

I bought a two bedroom house, but it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are though, isn’t it? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV.

I got a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. ‘Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you. It’s to your exact specifications.’ When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.

If you’re in the U.S., and you can trick someone into thinking they’re in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.

I was at a convenience store reading a magazine, and the clerk said, ‘This is not a library.’ And I said, ‘All right, I will talk louder then.’

Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. I don’t know if it does, but it will make em shiny and more noticeable.

When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it. So a lot of times I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency ‘make the car smell funny’ lever.

You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.

I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us, or they thought we were okay.

A lot of death metal bands have intense names like ‘Rigor Mortis’ or ‘Mortuary’ or ‘Obituary’. We weren’t that intense, we just went with ‘Injured’. Later we changed it to ‘Acapella’, as we were walking out of the pawn shop.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say, ‘What?’ So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, ‘What?’ But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, ‘That tree is far away!’

If you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes: all exciting at first, but by the end you’re fucking sick of em.

Snake eyes: it’s a gambling term. Or it’s an animal term too.

I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of em. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman. But this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with but now it’s being cheapened. ‘We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let’s keep on giving… Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?’

I did a radio interview. The DJ’s first question was, ‘Who are you?’ I had to think, ‘Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?’

I was on a bus and it was the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of easy cheese. But it was the middle of the night, so I could not see how much easy cheese I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise as to how much easy cheese I had applied, which makes me believe that they should have a glow in the dark version of easy cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad cuz it glows in the dark too.

   

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